


who're you calling a cuck

by Spoofen



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, based on a couple horrible puns involving the word 'cuck'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2019-02-03 14:12:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12749916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoofen/pseuds/Spoofen
Summary: Ouma makes a scene at breakfast. Literally no one is surprised. Rated T for language and Iruma's existence.





	who're you calling a cuck

**Author's Note:**

> The pun "Ouma Cuckichi" wouldn't leave my brain for a week so I had to write something to get it out of my brain. Hopefully it's as funny to all y'all as it is to me.

Life imprisoned in the Ultimate Academy could be worse, they all think. They’re not starved, there’s lots of open facilities of different kinds for their use, there’s plenty of space and clean air and even entertainment that they can partake in. All in all, it’s a rather comfortable existence, even without the freedom to leave the premises. The other people they’re trapped with aren’t so bad, either, they all figure as they get to know each other better, forming bonds of friendship and hanging out with the other students they’re forced to spend their time with.

Comfortable as it may be, it’s however never calm nor boring, particularly not this specific morning as anyone who arrives late to breakfast is met with the loud and obnoxious whining of the Ultimate Supreme Leader, currently glued to the side of the poor Ultimate Detective.

“ _Come oooooon_ , Saihara-chan, I’m so _bored!_ Let’s just do something _fun_ today,” Ouma groans loudly, tugging at the arm he’s currently wrapped his own arms around.

“I- I can’t, Ouma-kun, I already promised to be hanging out with Akamatsu-san today,” Saihara mutters, eyes only briefly flickering to the face of the boy latched to his arm as he’s trying to eat breakfast using his one free hand.

“Can’t you just _ditch_ her? Are you telling me you- you don’t _care_ about me?” Ouma continues, staring up at his detective friend with wide, teary eyes as he squeezes tighter around Saihara’s arm.

Everyone in the room whips their head around the instant Ouma takes in a deep breath, glaring at Saihara with mixed expressions of dread, panic, frustration and annoyance. Saihara sighs deeply, putting down his fork in order to quickly reach over to pet the small leader’s head.

“Okay, okay, I’ll hang out with you today, Ouma-kun,” he says quickly, looking into Ouma’s puppy-dog eyes.

The instant Saihara’s words leave his mouth, Ouma blinks and his expression morphs into a wide grin. “Nishishi~, I knew you’d come around eventually! Honestly, you just get easier and easier, Saihara-chan!”

“Does that mean you won’t come play piano with me?” Akamatsu says on the other side of Saihara, leaning forward a bit to look at the face of the detective. “Aww, I was really looking forward to teaching you more!”

“I’m sorry, Akamatsu-san,” Saihara responds, looking back at Akamatsu with an apologetic look. “I promise I’ll join you later today, but I probably need to look after Ouma-kun first.”

“Hey hey, I’m right here!” Ouma says loudly, tugging at Saihara’s arm again. “Don’t just talk about me like I’m some toddler you need to babysit!”

“Isn’t that what you are?” Momota grumbles from the other side of the table, receiving an understanding shoulder pat from Harukawa on his left side and a nod of approval from Hoshi on his right. Ouma simply glares at him before nuzzling into Saihara’s arm again.

“Sai-ha-ra-chaaan~, make sure to _entertain_ me properly today,” the purple-haired boy says with a glint in his eye, placing an _unnecessary_ amount of emphasis on the word ‘entertain’.

“Oh, _SHUT IT_ , Ouma Cuckichi!” the loud and boisterous voice of Iruma Miu suddenly silences all conversation as she slams her palms against the table, standing up from her chair in one swift motion. “Stop running after Stupidhara all the time, you abortion, he’s already busy _getting busy_ with that piano whore!”

“Who’re you calling a cuck?” Ouma retorts, mischievous smirk plastered over his face. “If anyone’s a cuck here it’s Cuckamatsu-chan over there, since I’m _fucking her boyfriend!_ ”

“You’re _WHAT?_ ” two voices to Ouma’s right immediately exclaim, Akamatsu and Saihara both looking at Ouma with similar expressions of shock and disbelief. They turn to look at each other, then look at Ouma again, then back to each other.

Chaos erupts throughout the room as everyone gathered is shaken out of shocked silence. Comments such as “thanks for the mental images, asshole,” “I’d taken Ouma-kun for someone who swings that way, but Saihara-kun, too?” and “what’s a cuck? There’s nothing on that word in my databases” fly across the room as Ouma remains securely glued against Saihara’s side, impish grin splitting his face in two.

However, everyone is silenced again as said detective suddenly stands up, mimicking Iruma’s powerful stance. Ouma lets go of Saihara’s arm out of surprise as the detective turns to glare at him with an uncharacteristic expression of anger.

“Ouma-kun, I’ve _had_ it with your shenanigans,” he says in a rare, harsh tone seldom heard from the usually timid boy. “Not only are you immature and childish, you’re even trying to hurt people’s feelings on purpose. I’m going to spend the morning with Akamatsu-san, like I had planned, and you can try to reflect over your behavior in the meantime.”

He then turns around, mutters a soft “let’s go, Akamatsu-san,” and walks out of the dining hall. Everyone watches his departure in stunned silence, even Akamatsu who takes a few seconds to realize she has been spoken to and then rushes after the detective, muttering “we’re not even _dating_ ” under her breath as she passes Ouma.

The silence remains for a few seconds after the pianist and detective have left the premises, when the remaining classmates return to engaging in hushed conversation. Ouma, however, remains silent as he stares at the closed door, face blank.

* * *

Later, that same evening, in a dorm room cluttered with various objects.

“I almost thought you wouldn’t show up. You were pretty convincing back there,” Ouma says with a sly grin.

“Shut up, Kokichi,” Saihara replies, effectively shutting up the short leader with his lips as he slips his arms around his waist.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm only a little disappointed this is the first NDRV3 fic I'm posting, seeing as I have about 3 or 4 other SaiOuma fics in progress and about twice as many ideas. I'm just hoping my motivation to write will remain.
> 
> I'm currently on hiatus from Twitter and Tumblr in order to catch up on my studies a bit, but feel free to contact me @spoofenshmirtz anyway!


End file.
